Going to a Party

Well, I'm going to a party tonight. At least I'm getting out of the house. I'm not sure how I feel about it though. A part of me wants to go and be social. Another part of me is worried that it will be like most parties. I'll go and talk to the few people I know and then just sit back and mostly observe. Then I will find a graceful way to exit and come home. I don't know what it is about me, but I am just not good in social situations. I always feel like a dork when I say something or I say the wrong thing because others don't get my humor. It's amazing that I am a person that is supposed to be able to teach communication skills and I am so bad at it. Oh, I know that I'm making it sound worse than it is. I fake it pretty well out there, but usually I feel like an outsider and that I don't belong. That's one reason why drinking was such a big thing at theatre parties and such. It lowered my inhibitions and I was much more social and fun. But it shouldn't take getting drunk to be that way. I guess it's just an innate quality in me and I just have to deal with it. It's not that I'm completely anti-social by choice. I do want to fit in at times, but not at the sake of being someone that just isn't me.

I called Marty to wish him a happy birthday today. I would have sent him a card if I knew his address. I am almost amazed that I did have his new cell phone number. Perhaps I should have not said anything to him at all. I'm sure he would not have noticed whether I called him or not, but it's just in me to still let him know that I care about him. I don't know why I bother sometimes, but he is still a friend.

Well, I better get ready to head out. Tomorrow will be spent cleaning the house all day. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to get things done, huh?

A Calling?

I've been acting as a kind of librarian for the oral interp class at camp. I have currently catalouged 1291 books and plays. I even went so far as to alphabeteize all of them according to their category. I've spent the last four days doing this. Now I'm working on combining the ALA lists that is one of the reading categories for contest next year. I may also start working on my school websites for next year as well. I have the time and I might as well get started on it soon. I still haven't finished my Ann Rule book. It's over 600 pages and I'm now just past the half-way point.

I still would like to pursue my librarian certification but I have no idea how I could pay for it. I can't afford any more loans. I still have to figure out how to get another car. I think I'll talk to the librarian at my school and get an idea of her job and make sure it would be something I'd really want to do before investing time and money into it. But I really think I'd like it. No lesson plans. No classes to teach. Still get summers off.

Something weird happened last night. We had a blackout for about 15 minutes. The entire south side of town was dark. Luckily I always seem to have candles ready. I was up reading until after midnight. I really need to start going to bed earlier.

I would like to get over to Hereford some time next week so I can get a look at my new room. I can't remember if I mentioned it on here, but my principal called before I left for nationals to tell me that he was moving me to the main building and told me what room I would be in. It is a room that was originally a computer teacher's room. I'm guessing that means it's fairly large. I'm not sure how many computers I'll get to keep. The only thing is that it's on the second floor and it will be a bitch to move all my stuff. I'll probably enlist the help of my team to get it done.

Josh and I played our final concert today. I'll have a week off and then I'll play in director's band at band camp. After that, I'll have just a little bit of time off before I have to start back to school with is on Aug. 9 or so. I should be comped out on August 8 since I've been volunteering at camp. I also have to get ready to teach the yearbook workshop on Aug. 4. That should bring in a little money and I'll probably get Josh's music software for him. He has $100 towards the cost of it.

Well, I'm just rambling here and not saying much of any importance. I think I'm going to go read more of my book and get ready for bed.

No time for anything

I've been staying quite busy. I work at speech camp from 9-12 then have lunch. (Luckily it's free because I'm helping out.) After lunch, Josh and I go to summer band. Usually after that I take him home and I go back to camp until 4:00. Today, however, we had planned to go to a picnic that the band direct was having at his house. So instead, we came home and I was able to pay some bills. After the picnic, I came home and continued to read one of my new books. It's the Ann Rule book about the Green River Killer. Then I was tired so I took a brief nap. I got up early and went back to camp around 6:00 although the session starts at 6:30. I finally got through entering all the books into my database and I am up to 1292 books. There's still a few more to be entered and now I'm working on alphabetizing. By the end of camp, we should have an accurate list. I told the other coaches that I would create a separate file of just their books so they can keep a running list of all their books and perhaps next year it will be easier to keep track of what is available.

I got news about the new speech teacher at Josh's high school and I'm worried that the team won't be travelling much. If that's the case, then I'm going to take Josh with my team and he can enter as the only student from his school.

Since I'm pretty much gone from 9-9 everyday, I haven't got much done that needs to be done. I may have to just back out of doing anything camp-related this weekend. My aunt is coming and I really, really need to get my house clean. I think I'll devote the entire weekend to getting that done. I also will probably have guests over for the 4th of July so I need to decide what to make for that as well. I have to go to my cousin's party at 5:00 but will probably cut out early so I can be back home. My house is a good location for watching the fireworks. It's a good thing we've finally gotten some rain.

Well, I should go do some house cleaning but I'm probably going to read my book instead.

Speech Camp

Speech Camp has started and although I planned to be home in the evenings, I have been staying up there doing work. I am in the process of cataloging all the books they have which at this point is at 766 and I might be halfway done. It's a pain in the butt, but once I'm done, it will be easier to keep track of books and add to it. I guess I'm anal about it, but it seems to make more sense to have a database to know what's available instead of just randomly looking at the shelves.

So this means I will be out of pocket again for a while. I do have to find some time to be home and clean the house before my aunt arrives. Just stay tuned.

It's things like this

that make teaching worth it. I got the following email from a student I had this year. She was a perfect child and did an outstanding job in my speech class this year. She wasn't a competitor; she was just in my regular communication class, but I gave her the outstanding award for that class. Here's what she wrote:

Hi Ms.*****, Hope your summer is going well. I don't know if your working summer school or not but just wanted to say thank you for the award. I was surprised and so happy. I have to take speech again in college and I am excited. I am really glad I waited my senior year because I feel like you have prepared me well. I have already started WT this summer, but I think I'll do a great job if I get my hard boring classes out of the way and take speech this fall. Thanks Ms. ***** for everything and I know I'll see you around. This world isn't too big.

Dallas Details Part 2

After the park, we returned to the hotel. I wanted to take a nap so I went to my room, got under the covers and tried to sleep. I was awakened at 3:30 because the kids wanted to go to the Mall. I got up and made myself presentable after a day at the park (which isn't easy to do) and we all headed to the Galleria. I finally found a bookstore and bought myself the Ann Rule book about the Green River Killer. I also found an Elvis ornament for Josh that was on sale for 75% off. We let the kids shop until 7:15 and then we headed to the Magic Time Machine for dinner. If you are ever in Dallas or San Antonio, you must go to the Magic Time Machine at some point. It is a quirky kind of place. The tables are found in different nooks and all decorated differently. There's a booth that is like being in a Tiki hut or one that is inside a large pumpkin. We sat in front of a wall with the Peanut's characters painted on it. All of the waitstaff are dressed in costume. We had a Pokemon character serving us. (He wasn't that exciting.) But we also saw Superman, Wonderwoman, Cinderella, Woody (from Toy Story), and GI Joe (who was hot!). It is a fun place. The salad bar is a made out of an actual car. If you ask where the bathroom is, the waiter or waitress makes a big deal about it and parades you through the restaurant announcing that you have to go and reminds you to wash your hands. They have a big selection of food or if you have a group of four or more you can order the Roman Orgy. It was a lot of fun for our group.

Saturday morning we got up and planned to leave by 8:00. We didn't actually leave until about 8:20. I ended up doing all the driving around Dallas and drove all the way home. I was pretty tired when I got home, but didn't really have time for a nap since I was asked by a friend to go see a production of Hamlet. It was a pretty decent performance but I didn't get home until 11:15. Storms came through around 2 a.m. and my neurotic dog went nuts. I finally put earplugs in and took half a tylenol p.m. and went to sleep. I got up at 10:00 this morning and went to Mass at 11:00. Now I'm waiting for my lunch to finish cooking and I'm going to try to get caught up on blogs I've missed, writing assignments for my journal workshop, and perhaps a nap this afternoon.

Speech camp starts this week. There is a picnic to go to this evening and then classes start on Monday morning. I will probably go during the day, but not the evenings. Since I'm volunteering, I don't want spend all my time there. I also have to get my house cleaned since my aunt and uncle are coming to stay next week. I have bills to pay, groceries to buy and laundry to do. Well, I better get started on all of this. Now we will resume our regularly scheduled blogging.

More Dallas Details

Wednesday was spent at the tournament all day. Our competitor was out of his major rounds but competed in a consolation event. I had to wait in the judges pool (not swimming) to see if I was going to judge two rounds but there were so many Texas kids entered that I couldn't. I spent all of Wednesday reading my Janet Evanovich book and finished it. I also crocheted a great deal and my shawl is probably long enough now. It was a long day with a lot of sitting around. We were going to go to Macaroni Grill, but we had to wait around for results to see if our students broke (made it to the next rounds) and if we had to come back on Thursday. I did discover something new, however. I am not one that is big on Starbucks because I don't like coffee. But we made a run to Starbucks in order to get coffee for everyone and I ended up getting a Chai Tea Latte. It was quite yummy. And now I've had three of them. But on with the story... We went to Wendy's for supper and then went back to the school to check out results. Our student was out so we didn't have to get up early on Thursday.

Thursday we slept in and took our time getting ready. Since we didn't get to go to Macaroni Grill on Wednesday night, we decided to go there for lunch. We met up with another coach and student and had a great lunch. After that we headed back to the main tournament hotel at the airport so we could watch final rounds of Humorous, Dramatic, and Duo Interpretation. We got there two hours early in order to get in line to get a good seat. It is a good thing that we did that. We were there from 2:00 until 9:30 p.m. The events were great to watch but it made for a long day. After that we went to Denny's for supper and back to the hotel for sleep.

The kids and I got up early on Friday morning to go back to Six Flags. I thought the park opened at 9:00 but it didn't open until 10:00 so we got there almost an hour early. That was o.k. though since we were first in line to head over to Titan. When the park opened we walked briskly over to Titan and was able to walk on to the ride with no waiting in line. It was a great ride. After that we rode Texas Giant again which was rough. Then it was Runaway Mountain (a rollercoaster in the dark), Batman (inverted coaster), Flashback (boomerang coaster), Runaway Mine Train, and then Shockwave (a double loop steel coaster) and La Vibora (a bobsled coaster). We did all of this in under three hours. We then decided to head back for another ride on Titan. We didn't have to wait very long - only about three trains worth. We rode close to the back and it really seems to go a lot faster. I think I almost got the tunnel vision during the last helix. It was so cool! After that it was time to do a little shopping. I headed to the Looney tunes store but was disappointed in the selections. They had some cool Marvin shirts but I already have so many of those. I did finally find a Marvin toy that I don't already have so I bought it and some tylenol. I had a raging headache starting. I guess I'm getting old. I used to be able to stay at the park all day long with no problems. Now I get a headach after three hours. I think I really justed needed some food and drink. We left the park and then went to Sonic and got food.

That takes to Friday afternoon. I'll finish the story this afternoon. I have to leave for Mass.

Finally!!!

I was not a very happy camper in regards to my internet access for the past week. I did take my laptop with me but the wireless at the hotel was horrible. It would take forever to load pages, some wouldn't load at all and I could not post any blogs at all. I did write a blog post last week on Tuesday, but was not able to post it. I will try to spend more time recapping my trip for those of you that haven't abandoned me. I tried to respond to Jonathon's comment but I couldn't email either. I could receive email, but not send it. I also couldn't check my yahoo email.

I'm going to see Hamlet tonight so I'm going to go take a nap first. Here's the post from early this past week.

*******************************************************************************

No time for blogging obviously. I do have things to share but the internet connection in this hotel basically sucks. It is supposed to be wireless which technically it is since I don’t have wires connected to my laptop, but it is really slow. It takes forever for pages to load and some don’t get loaded at all.

We arrived on Saturday around 3:30. The hotel check-in was very simple. Our room is nice; it’s a small suite, but it has a bit of shabbiness to it in places. But the hotel overall is nice and it’s in a good location. I got unpacked and spent about an hour ironing all of my clothes.

We left for Medieval Times at 6:30 in order to get there by 7:00 but we got there a little early. It is an interesting place, but like most things these days it is quite overpriced and they expect you spend even more money once you’re inside. You get a table number and a colored paper crown. You will sit in a certain section and root for the knight that wears the same color. After entering the door you also get your picture taken when you come inside and then they try to sell you your picture during the show itself. We were told to be here by 7:00 to be able to get seated together, but then we had a 45 minute wait. That time is to be spent browsing all the exciting items they have for sale from decorative swords to little knick-knacks. Parents bought their kids fake shields and lighted swords or simple flags that you wave in support of your knight. And then there’s the bar. (Which thankfully I avoided this go around) The drinks are outrageously priced but you get to keep the glasses. You can buy drinks even made based on your particular knight. (Which is what got me in big trouble last time I came here.) Shortly before called to dinner they have the “King” come out and he dubs his sword on the shoulders of special people that are celebrating birthdays or anniversaries. Then the trumpeter plays and they announce which door we should enter for the feast. The dinner place itself is around a large arena that is filled with sand. The show is filled with knights and horses, a guy with a falcon that flies around the arena. They knights compete against each other and then have battles. The dinner is served with no silverware. You eat with you hands. The food was pretty good, but quite messy. You get soup, bread, chicken, spare rib, potato and a pastry dessert. The show itself is obviously bad fight choreography but it’s cool to see the sparks fly when the swords clash. Everyone gets into the spirit cheering for their own knights and booing the opposing ones. It’s a fun time and should be experienced if you have the means at some point. After that we came back to the hotel and went to bed.

Sunday morning was spent at the main tournament hotel which is located at the airport… literally. We got registered and then had to spend two hours working as volunteers since our state is the host state this year. We did our job and then made a dry run to find the school where our student would be competing. After that we got lunch and then headed to six flags. Unfortunately, we realized that we did not have our tickets. It’s a good thing we realized it before we actually got to the park, otherwise, we would have had to pay for parking. We decided that our packet had been left behind at the registration hotel. We tried calling another coach that we knew was there but her phone was turned off. We left and put gas in the car and the other coach called while we were there and she said that she had our packet. So we headed back towards to airport to get the packet. We got to the park after the opening ceremony started so the boys and I took off to go ride Titan. Luckily they were running all three trains so the wait was only about 40 minutes. It was a GREAT ride! I was so ecstatic. There’s nothing like a great rollercoaster ride to lift your spirits. The boys (my students) loved it as well. After Titan, we rode the Texas Giant which is one of the fastest wooden rollercoasters. The ride is a bit rough, but still a pretty good ride. As we stood in lines, I regaled the boys with all sorts of facts and information about rollercoasters and hypnotism. I think they were impressed with my knowledge. I was also mistaken for a student twice! That was a nice boost to think I still look fairly young. We had time for one more coaster before leaving the park and so we headed for Batman. We opted for the front row seats because it’s worth it for the visuals. We left early to come back for dinner. We stopped to get water after we left the park so we wouldn’t have to overpay.

Dinner on Sunday night was at Bennigan’s which was located really close to the hotel. The food was good (had a salad and the baked potato soup) but service was slow. We came back to the hotel and I took a shower to warm up (my roommate likes the room cold) and then went to bed. I’ve been taking half a Tylenol p.m. each night before going to bed. I’ve been sleeping pretty well and waking up with no problems. I’m not sure what is up with that, but I wish I got this kind of sleep at home. Maybe it’s the vitamins I started taking. I’ve been taking a multi-vitamin each morning and it seems to help me get through the day without being tired. Or maybe last night’s rest was due to the adrenaline rush from the coaster riding.

Today was the first day of competition. I spent most of the morning working on my new crochet project which is a prayer shawl. I had to judge a flighted foreign extemp round today which means I listened to ten speeches on foreign topics most of which were about Russia. It’s not like I know anything about Russia or any other foreign country for that matter, but I do know what a good speech should sound like. After the rounds today we came back to the hotel after taking a bit of a detour. We couldn’t get over fast enough for our exit. We had a little time to relax before going to dinner. The other coach had plans to go to dinner with a friend that she plays cards with online that she has never met in person. We all went along with her as well. We went to Red Lobster. Her friend is in a wheelchair and her son brought her to the restaurant. We all had a very nice time with great conversation. It is nice to meet a man that is nice, intelligent, and takes care of his mother like that. And before you ask, yes, he is single. He was a very nice looking man and my fellow coach was basically elbowing me after the dinner about him. But there’s no more to the story.

Now it’s almost bed time again. I’m going to take a hot shower and perhaps another half Tylenol. Tomorrow I have to judge two rounds. I also have to go buy the newest Janet Evanovich book. Tomorrow night is a big party and dance sponsored by Schwan’s. It should be
a lot of fun.

Well, that’s it for the updates. I’ll try to update more later, internet permitting.

Sorry

I have a post and other things to share, but the internet connection in this hotel basically SUCKS! Pardon the term, but it's the best description. I will update fully when I return home on Saturday. The school I was at had a great wireless server but it blocked everything. The hotel won't load pages and it takes FOREVER.

The only reason I am able to post this is because I came down to the hotel's business center, but now someone else wants the computer. So be patient and I will be home in a couple of days.

I'm Off!

I'll be leaving in an hour to head to Dallas for the nationals speech tournament. I will try to post updates as I can during this trip. It will depend on time and privacy.

I didn't sleep well last night (which is typical before I leave for a trip.) Maybe I'll be able to catch a quick nap once we get there. Tonight we're going to Medieval Times which should be fun. At least this time I can't drink which is probably a very good thing. Sunday will be registration and then off to Six Flags! Can you tell I'm just a little bit excited?

Things to do

I have several things to do today. I actually got a decent night's sleep last night by kicking my dogs out of the bedroom. Normally I don't them hanging out with me, but they have been cuddling a bit much and I keep having to push them away.

My day isn't full of excitement or anything. I have to go up to Amarillo and pick up some extemp files that we'll be taking down to Dallas for another school. Then I was thinking about going to the book store and just hanging out so I can get out of the house for once. I can't buy anything, but I like wandering the aisle and skimming books. Later today I have take Josh out for another driving lesson and try to teach him how to park. It's one of those things that is seemingly easy but it will be awkward for him for a while. I have a load of laundry to do (it's so nice to say that I only have one load) and then packing for my trip.

I'm slowly coming out of the mood I've been in. I think going on this trip will help... after all, rollercoasters is the best medicine for me. And I'll be busy with some things to do probably. After my trip, I'll have speech camp for two weeks and that will keep me very busy.

I had dreams about Marty last night. I kept trying to call him or something and discovered he was ignoring my calls... nothing new. It's just weird that I dreamed about him. I haven't heard from him since our brief meeting in May. I guess he's down in Florida by now.

Well, I better go get started on my day.

The end of the day

What a blah day. I sat in front of the t.v. for most of it. I only went out to go to band and to pick up dinner because I didn't even feel like cooking. I had another down day today and it's starting to bother me. The thing about teaching is that you get summers off and when you have a lot of down time, that can mean a lot of thinking time. It's nothing concrete, but I am still trying to make sense of my life. I have tons of questions and no answers for any of them. In my journaling workshop I had to write about who I am. I had a hard time with that assignment and it took me three days before I put anything together. I feel as though I'm just existing and not really living. I don't know what it will take though. Is it more money? Is it overcoming a fear?

Sometimes I just want to know that my life has meaning. That I'm making a difference. That I have a purpose. There are days that I do realize some of those things, but I guess I'm losing sight. As meager as my life is these days, I know I have it pretty well. I really shouldn't be complaining at all; but when I get this way, I have to be patient until the mood passes. It will. It always does. I know this, but I don't like being here right now.

Can you believe it?

The laundry is done! I admit that not everything is completely put away, but it's all washed! I have more socks to match up and some folded and hanging clothes to put away, but it's really done! The only thing left are some comforters and blankets that I need to take to the laundromat. Now it's time to focus on the rest of the house. My dishes are done for the most part, but there's just a lot of little cleaning things that need to be done.

I have 3 more days before I leave for Dallas. I probably need to start packing now. I have no idea what to take. I know it will be HOT. I just know that I'm ready to ride some rollercoasters. Oh, yeah, I guess I'm there to work, too.

My brother came by to pick up his weedeater and he spent some time cutting my weeds. I figured I'd just eventually do it by hand, but I'm glad he helped me out.

And that's my boring life. I don't have anything exciting to share. Still getting weirdos IM'ing me. Perhaps I should just turn it off. It's not like I have anyone interesting to talk to online anyways, other than my friend Jonathon and that's on a different messenging service. Well, it's time for summer band so I better get going.

Laundering Machine

I have been on a roll here folks. I have washed and dried a gazillion loads of laundry. Although I'm not quit finished, I'm getting really close. It's kind of nice to have drawers full of clean, folded clothes and a closet (or two) full of nice clean clothes on hangers. So maybe you're not impressed, but if you had seen the mounds before I started, you would be.
I'm going to try to finish my bedroom and bathroom today. That even means putting up all my shoes in an organized fashion in my closet. You'll be happy to know that I only have one pair out in my living room, which very well might be a record.
What else is on the agenda? I'm not sure, I really need to vacuum so that will probably get done. I'm slowly making progress despite many breaks and sometimes a nap. But, hey, it's summer and I need time to recuperate from 9 1/2 months of teaching. Oh, that reminds me. I had one of those teacher nightmares again...the kind where you have terrible, terrible students and you can't get control of the class and you don't have a lesson plan so you're winging it. It was weird though, in my class were several people from my high school (the one I graduated from) in it and they were people that I knew but weren't really friends with. Very strange.

Just say "No"

I'm not talking about drugs. I'm talking about the subtle addiction of s.e.x. Most people don't think of it as an addiction. Most people that are addicted rarely admit that they are. And most people think it's natural and because everybody does it, it's o.k. As long as safe sex is practiced and nobody gets hurt in the process, then no big deal. I have discovered, however, that relationships that are based on sex or sex is an early part of it, generally don't last. You can't build something based only on physical attraction and the emotional highs of the moment.

I had a brief conversation with a guy today that almost had me fooled for being normal. But he made it quite clear that he was interested in a sexual relationship. When I told him that I wasn't interested in that, he quickly ended the conversation by stating "Then you've had sex with the wrong men....... and looks like you will be alone for a long time......sorry to hear that." It's like he wanted me to feel bad for my choice. There was a time when people were heralded for choosing abstinence and now I'm supposed to be punished by spending the rest of my life alone.

I have been guilty of equating sex with love. I have had my share of experiences. I at one point wasn't sure I could ever give it up and it was a factor in whether or not I could become Catholic. Oh, sure, I could have joined the Church and then done as I pleased and just gone to confession. But for me that wasn't an option. I was either going to give it my all or not at all. It took a while for me to come to terms with letting go of that part of me, but I finally "got it" at one point. I won't go into an explanation about it here, but I finally realized that sex was something quite selfish. It was all about me.

If I'm going to end up alone because I won't jump into bed with a guy, then so be it. For the first time I finally respect myself. I realize that I don't have to be desired or thought of as sexy to have self-worth. I actually think I'm worth a lot more by not sleeping around. The guy I talked to said he was sorry, but it wasn't necessary. I'm not sorry for my choice. I had a conversation with my ex-husband the other day and he told me that I shouldn't immediately give up on men that are turned on by me or my pictures stating "if you dismiss all of them as perverts..... you may pass up a good decent one that just thought you were hot." I think that if that is their first thought, then it's not going to be a good match regardless. It's nice if someone thinks I'm attractive, but to go on about my physical features, asking me if I have a cam, or making a lewd comment tells me that they're not really interested in me.

And perhaps I just might end up alone. I think a lot of the good, decent men in this world are already taken. But if it's God's will for me to be in a relationship, then it will happen. Now I just have to convince my heart of that fact.

Unmotivated

I really have had no motivation to get anything done this week. I don't know if it was something psychological in dealing with the medical issues or something else, but I've pretty much sat on my rear-end for the last several days. A couple of days ago I was hit with a brief bout of depression which is really unusual for me these days. It really just came out of the blue and I was a bit emotional. I guess the fact that my one and only response on the personals site was a bit of a bummer didn't help much. It also doesn't help that it's the end of the month money-wise and I'm trying to figure out how to get groceries and have some money to take with me to Dallas.

My sleeping schedule has been off as well which isn't helping, I'm sure. I finally got a little back on track last night. Instead of taking a full tylenol p.m., I've been taking half of one and it seems to be doing the trick without making me groggy in the mornings. Last night I went to bed by 11:00 and slept until about 7:45. I stayed in bed until about 8:30 though. I didn't go to Mass since I went last night. But I seem to be doing a little better.

I finally got up off my butt and started doing something. I'm starting with my bedroom first. I figure I need a clean space to put all the laundry once I decide to do it. So I started cleaning out my dresser drawers. I got rid of things that don't fit and I don't wear including a whole bunch of lingerie. I kept a few of my favorite pieces, but I don't see the point in having it. It's not that comfortable to wear. It's still slow going and I'm taking breaks here and there, but it's getting done. I've also still been mostly keeping up with the dishes. I really need to get the laundry caught up so I have clothes to pack for my trip to Dallas next week.

I'm not sure if this post is the most boring one I've written, but it's probably close. I do want to thank everyone that responded to the previous post and made me feel better. Honestly, I do think I'm a pretty decent person and a great catch. I just need to get out more probably. Problem is where do I go? You know what's funny? Every time I go to Amarillo lately something new has been built. Well, I better get back to work while I have some inclination to do so.

Why are we so shallow?

Notice I used the word "we" instead of "men." I admit it. I can be that way. Now, I know in the dating world that I am never going to meet and marry someone that is drop dead gorgeous. It just isn't possible because I am not what those kinds of guys are interested in. Because I know this, I try not to be judgmental, though I admit I can be. But more often it's not about looks but more about intelligence. Appearance has it's place and we all have our own inclinations of what we find attractive. I just don't get why men that obviously aren't up to Hollywood standards only want to meet women that are. I'm not skinny. I probably never will be. But I don't think I'm someone that you would be embarrassed to be seen with in public. That's kind of where I draw the line for myself. But I am smart, funny, romantic, mentally stable, and I've even been called cute and beautiful. Sometimes guys will say they don't want someone high maintenance, but I find that is really just a lie. O.k. they don't want someone that spends hundreds or even thousand's of dollars on clothing and jewelry, but they do want someone that might spend equal amounts at the salon.

I put myself on another dating site... this time a Catholic specific site. I got my first and only response from a man after three weeks. Now get this... this guy is currently weighing in at 330+ pounds. O.k. well he's tall and trying to lose it. He has a nice face so I think that's o.k. He goes into how he's losing weight in his email and tells me that I should give it a try. Then he tells me that he's not superficial but he does have a preference for blue-eyed blondes and although it's not an absolute for him, it's amazing what a highlighter or salon treatment can do - something I could think about.

I'm sorry, but that's where I lost it. A. I don't look good as a blonde and I will NEVER change my hair to a blonde. B. I certainly will not change my appearance to suit a man. I deserve to be loved for who and what I am... imperfections at all. I might be inclined to make subtle changes here and there based on suggestions... but it will never be something major. And for the record, I like being a brunette. It suits me. And I've done the hair color thing and it's just too expensive to keep up with... even with the do-it-yourself kits.

It's no wonder why I constantly ask myself what is wrong with me. I generally have a pretty good self-esteem, but perhaps I'm deluding myself. Maybe I'm not as great of a catch as I seem to think I am. I guess if I was, then I wouldn't still be single, right?

For Iris

She knows who she is. I read her blog faithfully until she stopped writing a few months ago. Recently she started writing again. I don’t know if she even reads my blog any more, but I hope that she does. I won’t go into details about her life, but she’s young and making a lot of mistakes… but that’s not the point. And don’t worry, Iris, I’m not judging you in the least and anyone that does, has no business to do so. We have all made mistakes in our lives. Some bigger than others, but nobody is perfect. But our mistakes are our learning experiences. If we learn from them and grow out of them, then the fact that we made the mistake isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Albert Einstein is credited with stating “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” When we continue to make bad choices, knowing full well that they are bad choices, then nothing will change and life will ultimately get worse. There’s no getting around it.

She stated in her blog “I thought great sex meant something deeper than just great sex. I thought if I loved him, somewhere deep inside he must love me too.” Great sex is usually no more than just that – great sex… and it is so often confused with love. The emotional levels rise in the heat of the moment, especially in women. But it’s kind of like being drunk, sometimes you do or say things… and in this case, perhaps feel things that aren’t true or real. It has a lot to do with self-esteem. I am a classic example. Having someone think I’m sexy and beautiful - being able to turn someone on was a big ego boost. It was like wielding power. You feel in control, invincible and incredible. But once the moment is over and real life takes over and things aren’t as rosy as they seemed, it’s hard to swallow. So you keep doing those things that make you feel good in that moment, but it’s only a quick fix. Sex can very much be like a drug. It is addicting. It can and often destroys marriages and people’s lives. But I’m not saying it’s all bad. It can be a very beautiful thing as well. I won’t go into preaching here, but if you live life only by the pleasure principal then you will never be satisfied. Nothing will ever be enough. And the mistakes will get bigger.

You can’t let anyone else determine your self-worth or your level of happiness. You have to learn to love yourself despite your flaws and mistakes. You have to stick to your guns. You’re finally getting on the right track so don’t backslide. Loneliness will happen. Realize it’s o.k. to be alone sometimes. You can and will love again. And you deserve to be loved. You just have to be careful who you give your heart to and the reason behind it. If you don’t love yourself first, then others will always walk over you. You are not alone and you have more strength and courage than you might realize at the moment. Listen to your instincts. Listen to your heart and your mind. If they’re in conflict, try to determine why. It’s not to say that going with one over the other is a bad thing, but stop to think first.

Before you jump into another relationship with someone ask yourself these questions. "Is this person good for me?" "Am I a better person when I'm with XXX?" If either of these questions is no, move on.

I'm not an expert in relationships. I've failed numerous times and still haven't got it right, but what I do know that is that you have an inner voice that tells you when something is off. You need to listen to it - even when you don't like what it's saying.

And finally, believe in yourself. That's going to get you farther than anyone else.

I'm in the wrong business

I got a call today from the hospital to pre-register me for my ultrasound tomorrow. I guess I thought my health insurance plan covered more because I about choked when I was told how much I would owe. $296.65. That is 50% of the allowable charge which means the test actually costs $593.30. This is for them to rub gel on my abdomen and run a device over it and take pictures. I can't imagine what I would do without insurance. I know the test is necessary because something isn't right about my body, butI just don't know how I'm going to pay for it. I told the lady on the phone that I'd either have to make payments or pay it when I got the chance. I don't even have that much in the bank right now. Although I hope that the issues I'm having turn out to be nothing or at least something insignificant, I do hope I at least get some kind of answers. My luck, I'll spend the money on doctors and tests and they'll tell me that they can't figure out what is wrong with me and we'll just monitor the situation for a while. Perhaps I am in the wrong business, if I were an ultrasound machine sales person or perhaps even someone that sells the gel they use, then I might be making more money than I am now. There was a time that I was on welfare. I received food stamps, WIC cards, AFDC money, and was on medicaid. I made less than $5000 a year. But I lived and had enough food to eat. And when I needed to go see a doctor, I didn't have to pay a dime. I might have been broke, living in place not much bigger than my living room now, but I didn't have to worry about my health. Go figure. Now that I have a college degree and a professional job, it seems that success just doesn't pay. Is it me or is something wrong with this picture?

I don't like the weed eater

It took me 30 minutes to figure out how to get it started. Once I started it, I had no idea how to use it. I finally figured out the throttle, but it didn't seem to cut very well and it just throws things. I think I'm not cut out for using a weed eater. I may wait until next month and see if I can pay someone to finish the job for me. I appreciate my brother loaning me the use of it, but I'm really kind of afraid of it and I don't think I should use it in that circumstance.
On the plus side, Josh got the front yard mowed. Well, one side of it at least. And as he was mowing it, a lady from down the street offered him $20 to mow her yard this weekend. That's pretty cool. I at least cleaned up all the old newspapers and trash in the yard.

Today was a busy day. I went to the doctor at 10:00. I was there for over an hour and then had to drop off my prescription at the pharmacy. I came home and had about an hour before band rehearsal. Josh and I went to rehearsal, came home and had lunch. He then had a piano lesson at 3:00. He is doing really well. After his lesson, we went out driving. I took him out for an hour down some back roads. He is doing so much better. He's finally getting the turns and learning to pivot his foot between the accelerator and the break. He is still hugging the ride side a little much and I kept telling him to nudge over quite a bit. I only grabbed the door handle a few times during the trip. A couple of times he got too far right and started going off the road a bit and then he would overcorrect by turning back too much. I told him if that happened to just slow down and nudge the car back over. The only other time he scared me was pulling into the driveway. He got really, really close to the garage door. He doesn't quite have a sense about how much space he has in front of him yet. Overall, he is doing well for only being out on his third driving trip.

After we got back I made dinner and then we had to leave to go to choir rehearsal. He's not singing, but is playing his clarinet at the Saturday Mass. This will be the first Communion for the second graders, so it is a special service. I'm slowly feeling better about singing. I really need to not worry so much and belt out the notes. After rehearsal we (well mostly Josh) worked on the yard and now it's too dark.

Tomorrow we have our first informal band concert. After that I'll be having a female friend over for dinner and then we're going to see the musical drama TEXAS in the Palo Duro Amphitheatre. I just remembered that I probably won't get home until about 11:30-midnight and I have to get up the next morning for my ultrasound. I have to drink 40-60 ounces of liquid in an hour before my appointment. I'm not sure if I even drink that in a day!

It's 9:30 now and I'm feeling pretty tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I was going to go to Mass this morning, but I just wanted to stay in bed. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.

Some Girl Talk

Just to give any guys reading this fair warning... I'm going to talk about some female issues so it's your choice if you want to keep reading or not.

First I want to say that having a period in general sucks. It is never fun. For me I have cramps, tender breasts, and the week before it starts I pretty much eat everything in sight. It's yucky and a horrible experience every month. And if your cycle is somewhat irregular and you're not on birth contro,l sometimes it comes as a surprise and your clothes get ruined. Yeah, a little graphic here, but I wanted you to get the picture.

When I was married and had a lot of stress I would skip my periods. This I didn't mind so much. It was kind of nice to go two months before the nasty visitor arrived again. But now I'm having the opposite problem. In two months, I've had four periods. This is not a good thing. And I don't have any stress going on in my life. It's summer and I'm free as a bird! It gives me a little pause for concern because this is something really out of the ordinary for me. Both my mom and my sister had hysterectomies at a young age. My mom was 36 (the age I am now) and my sister was 29.

I called my doctor's office the first time it happened. I was told sometimes that happens and not worry, but if it happened again, to let them know. So I did. I went to the doctor today. I had the very fun pap smear test performed again. They pricked my finger and drew blood which determined that I'm not anemic. But I am scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound this Friday just to make sure things are normal. I've also been put on birth control pills to hopefully get things regulated. Now before you start on a rant about the fact that I'm Catholic and birth control is a bad, evil thing, let me explain... Contraception (meaning the prevention of a potential life) is what the Church opposes. The fact that I am not married, not having sex, have no intentions to have sex and the pills are for a medical purpose and not for preventing life, then I'm o.k. in the eyes of the Church.

The thing is that I am a TERRIBLE pill taker. When I get medicine like an antibiotic or something, I diligently take it the first few days because generally I feel miserable and I know the pills make me feel better. When I start to feel better, I quickly forget about them. I know that's not good, but I've never been a good pill taker. I can't take daily vitamins because I'm so forgetful. When I was in college and actually on birth control, it was amazing that I didn't get pregnant when I seriously dated someone. But I am determined to do this. I know that when the pills run out (or if I forget to take them for a few days), shortly thereafter the "fun" begins. Hopefully I will delay that as much as possible.

I just hope that my issue is something that needs to be regulated and not something more serious. I tend to overanalyze things (as my faithful blog readers well know) so you know that I immediately googled my symptoms to determine all possible causes. I was able to rule out several things. I'm certainly not pregnant or breast feeding. I'm not taking any other medication currently including birth control pills. I'm not sexually active nor have I had any occasion to have any objects in my vagina. So now I'm left with an infection, fibroids, structural issues, hypothyroidism, or cancer. I really hope that it's either nothing or something fairly simple to resolve. In any case, a few prayers or kind thoughts would be most appreciated.

My I borrow a husband?

Being single has it's great moments. I think I'm finally learning who I am and what I want - which is a good thing. I've developed my own set of beliefs and I'm not putting on any shows for anyone else. For perhaps the first time, I'm just being me. No tap dancing in this house!

But at the same time, sometimes I really wish I had a man around. I'm not certain that I need a relationship right now (but I'm not saying that I don't have my eye out), but there are just some things that need to be taken care of around the house that I'm having to deal with.

I used to have an ex-boyfriend that I could call on from time to time, but since I still owe him some money (which I do fully intend to pay back) I don't want to ask for yet another favor. My brother used to help me out some... that is until he got a new girlfriend (who happens to be pregnant - but I won't go into that diatribe at the moment) and now he is mostly unavailable. He was kind enough to finally let me borrow his weed-eater which is the basis for this post... and I'll get to that in a minute. My dad is also occupying his time with many other tasks, none of which involve this house... which is technically still his... I just make the payments. I have no other men in my life other than my son. Problem is that he doesn't have much more in the ways of skills and strength than I do. I used to have a friend that let me borrow her husband from time to time which was great, but they moved to Michigan for school. Husband is back in the area, but he is spending the summer trying to finish the house they have here to get it sold. I already have him booked for a more major project this summer which is tiling the hall bath.

I have to figure out how to use a weed-eater today. I'm sure it's not that difficult but it kind of looks like a monster so I'm a bit intimidated. But this will be the first time in two years that I've made an effort to deal with the weeds and grass that are impossible to get with the lawn mower. It's just that big mechanical things that spin fast kind of scare me... unless it's a rollercoaster. I also have trees that needs pruning badly. (Believe it or not, there actually are a few trees here in West Texas.) Luckily my sewer line issues, the water heater, and furnace have been taken care of. I guess if I sounded desperate my brother or someone else might magically appear. But using the weed-eater isn't a major issue. (Though I think if he didn't have the girlfriend, he would have come over here and done the weed-eating for me.)

But just so you know, I'm not completely helpless. I fixed the slow drain in my bathroom sink by myself. I know how to check the oil in my car, the coolant, replace a headlight, and I'm about to learn how to replace the air filter. I haven't done an oil change yet, but perhaps I'll learn. I asked for and got my own cordless drill for Christmas. The year before, I got a laser level. I can paint, wallpaper, and I finally learned to use the carpet cleaning attachment on my vacuum cleaner. I put my own desk together and hung a new florescent light fixture in my garage. I budget my money fairly well so that the bills are paid and Josh can do the things he loves. I guess, I'm doing fairly well on my own.

But it would be nice if I could just borrow a husband once in a while. I certainly couldn't pay him, (If I could, I'd just hire people to do all this stuff) but I could make a nice dinner or trade out some work. Anyone free this weekend?

Journaling Workshop

I officially started the online journal workshop today, but I made the decision to post my entries privately. Things could get quite personal and I want the freedom to express myself without fear of who might be reading. If you're interested in participating, it's not too late to sign up. I did create a new web page with information on all my old journals if you're interested in checking it out.

I spent most of the day working on the website, creating my new blog site, and some chatting. I had an interesting conversation on speaking in tongues. I posted it on my Catholic blog.

I went to summer band which was fun. We finally are getting more instrumentation which makes a huge difference. I really need to do some practicing, but I probably won't.

Well, I posted on three different blogs today and I'm exhausted! I'll write more later.

Suffering Succotash

It's summer and the heat is here but I'm trying to avoid running my window air conditioners too much. I am so worried about the bill being outrageous. I have several things to pay for next month and want it to stay in it's normal range which is still high, but it could be so much worse. At least the gas bill was finally low this month. So I'm sitting here in the living room suffering in the heat because it's somewhat bearable, but not much. I hope my dad will make the effort to come look at the airconditioning unit. So for now I have a fan sitting next to me which helps.
I haven't been very productive lately... imagine that. I do have a pretty clean kitchen now, except for the floor. I'm slowly doing a little bit of laundry. I really need an incentive to clean. I need to have someone over for dinner or something.
I've been doing a lot of web surfing and getting ideas for creating my school web pages for next year. I just can't seem to get front page to work like I want it to. I did find a great site for free backgrounds, buttons, and logos. I need to get most of the work done on it this summer because I know I won't have time after school starts again. Next year I will have three preparations instead of one. I barely handled the one this year.
I just looked out into the backyard and I had a number of birds enjoying the seed I put out for them. I used to not understand what my aunt saw in sitting and just watching the birds, but it is really quite relaxing and entertaining. Now I want to know what kind of birds they are. I think Josh has a book on birds. He had an obsession about them when he was younger. I always bought him books. I figured if I spoil him in any way, it should be with books. That's probably why he is so smart. I bought him lots of informational books on animals, birds, dinosaurs, weather, etc. He isn't much of a pleasure reader other than the required reading for English classes, but when he does find a book he likes, he devours it.
Well, it's time for supper so I better scrounge something up. Maybe I'll turn the air conditioner on just while I'm in the kitchen.

Still a freak magnet

I guess since I'm home more and I leave my computer on all day, I am getting more chat invitations. And perhaps it's really just for entertaining purposes but I like calling guys on their lack of honesty. I can generally tell within the first few minutes of conversation if they guy is honest or if something is off in them. Let me give you a few examples:

If a guy asks for my a,s,l (age, sex, location) in the first few lines, that tells me that he hasn't taken the time to read my profile and generally isn't really interested in me.

When they ask about photos immediately (although there's a link on my profile page) and then goes on and on about them... asking for more, telling me how good I look, etc.

When they tell me they are from xxx place in the United States and I can tell that English isn't their first language.

When they are vague about their job... they are in "business" or work for a "bank" etc.

When their verbal skills don't match their profession. When they are supposedly in a professional job and they write very poorly.

When they ask if I have a cam. I really don't see the point in online cam's because I find that generally men that use them are only interested in one thing.

One of my favorites is the poetical men that think sappy love poem lines will make me melt like butter.

These are just a few indicators. Sometimes it's a game to catch them with an inconsistency. Many times they back out when they figure out that I'm not a fool.

I'll leave you with a sample conversation:

• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:55:45 AM): hello
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:56:07 AM): Hi
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:56:15 AM): my name is Timmy Briggs
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:56:22 AM): I gathered that
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:56:29 AM): from SC
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:56:50 AM): got your sweet name an just like to chat with u
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:56:57 AM): hope you dont mind ?
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:57:16 AM): we'll see
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:57:34 AM): ok
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:57:54 AM): How are you doing today ?
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:57:57 AM): fine
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:58:18 AM): great
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:58:39 AM): u feel like to ask me any questions about me ?
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:58:54 AM): no, you IM'd me...
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:58:55 AM): feel free to ask any
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:59:14 AM): yep
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:59:14 AM): I did
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:59:27 AM): what u do for living ?
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:59:33 AM): I am a teacher
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 9:59:34 AM): you?
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 9:59:42 AM): as per me, I work in a bank
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:00:00 AM): and what do you do at the bank?
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:00:03 AM): you made me who I am today
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:00:17 AM): huh?
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:00:24 AM): editing and documentions
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:00:33 AM): yep
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:00:37 AM): you are a teacher
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:00:40 AM): yes
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:00:42 AM): I said that
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:00:48 AM): u tought me to be whom I am today
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:01:06 AM): and how did I do that when I don't even know you?
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:01:39 AM): I dont need to know ya
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:01:51 AM): oh please.
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:02:02 AM): cos your profession tells
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:02:09 AM): I think you're lying to me
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:02:28 AM): how do I lie to you
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:03:02 AM): I was just telling you that your profession means much to my life
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:03:09 AM): because you can't possibly be involved in editing and documentation when you can barely write properly in this conversation
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:03:11 AM): no teacher no banker
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:03:18 AM): that was what I meant
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:03:41 AM): oh I see
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:03:58 AM): can you point out my errors ?
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:05:10 AM): Well, since I'm an English major.. yes... but let's not go there.
• annabel_lee_tx (6/3/2006 10:05:31 AM): are you currently in South Carolina? If so what part?
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:06:03 AM): Beaufort , 29907
• drbriggstimmy (6/3/2006 10:07:57 AM): BRB, phone call.

And all of a sudden he had to go. Imagine that. Perhaps I'm a bit cynical, but do you really blame me?

First Driving Lesson

Well, Josh and I went out for his first driving lesson. We made it back in one piece! I drove him to this park area in town that has 20 mph roads around it. He practiced driving around the roads for several minutes. I have forgotten how awkward driving for the first time really is. I guess I was naive but I sort of thought we'd get in, go around the park a few times and then he'd be ready to drive home! Not quite. It's been so long since I was a first time driver. Or perhaps I was just a natural... yeah right. Actually on one of my first lessons, I wrecked my dad's truck. Note to others: do not teach a child to drive a stick shift in their first driving experience. I got a lot of experience driving the back roads near my house in the middle of nowhere before I took driver's ed. I remember the first day of the "in car" driving we headed out on the the streets of town. I'm glad I had some practice beforehand and already felt fairly comfortable behind the wheel.
Overall Josh did fine, but he is still very awkward about braking and turning. I think we're going to need a lot more backroad practice before heading out on the streets in town. He tends to really hug the far right and braking isn't very smooth yet. I really hope I'm cut out for this. A few times tonight I really wish I had a brake on my side of the car. I'm glad we have six months to practice.

oh, puh-leeze!

In case you wonder why I tend to be skeptical about meeting people online let me give you an example. Check out this yahoo profile: http://profiles.yahoo.com/desmond_adam
and then come back here.
Next check out this one: http://profiles.yahoo.com/bobyharris446

What's so funny is that the second one named "Bobby" chatted with me last night and as soon as I told him that I wasn't interested in a relationship especially a long distance one, the conversation ended quickly. No biggie.
Tonight I get an IM from the guy from the first profile "Desmond". You'd think they might remember chatting with me briefly and perhaps might even change their fake picture. Here's how the conversation went after he sent the IM stating he was 42m in Florida.

coaster_lover_tx (6/1/2006 7:20:22 PM): That's interesting... your name was bobby last night and you were from SC
coaster_lover_tx (6/1/2006 7:20:59 PM): http://profiles.yahoo.com/bobyharris446?intl=us&os=win&ver=7,0,2,120
coaster_lover_tx (6/1/2006 7:21:33 PM): Cat got your tongue?

Can you imagine that he didn't even respond?? How's that for a nice laugh? All the more confirmation that you never know who you're talking to online. Geez.